Confessions of a Closet Eater

This will be a convoluted post…if you decide to stay, please fasten your seat belt.  I don’t believe my words will self-destruct after you’re finished reading, so be brave, dear reader, be brave!

Late Saturday afternoon, while walking into Newbern’s Restaurant for a catfish dinner, I was thinking how easy it could be, after all, to fall off the wagon.   For all the days I’ve felt strong, I was feeling pretty weak by the time I sat down to fried fish, hush puppies and French fries.

The events before that meal lent to my thought process.   Or rather, my thoughts on the events… 

At Logan’s Roadhouse for lunch (I eat out a lot on the weekends.) I ate half a yeast roll, half a baked sweet potato, and my appetizer shrimp.   Later, at home, I wanted to eat…for no reason…certainly not because I was hungry.  I ate two sugar free pieces of chocolate.

By the time I was walking into Newberns, I really wanted to eat.  Of course, I was also hungry.   I ate fried fish, 3 hushpuppies, and 4 or 5 French fries.  

Here’s where it gets convoluted. 

I felt that I was slipping a little out of control Saturday.   I do not know if it was a mental (too much thinking) or a physical thing (reaction to the high carb yeast roll), but even though I didn’t eat but two meals and two small pieces of candy, I felt that I wasn’t walking in freedom.   One of the things I used to do while in the throes of a binge (and eating restaurant food usually on a daily basis) was have the whole meal shrouded in worried thoughts of “getting back on track tomorrow,” or “getting on a diet on Monday,” or even berating myself for eating yet again.   Saturday, I recognized that I was spending the whole meal with busy thoughts instead of enjoying the meal.

It’s an eye opener, having flash back meals like that.

But, I really am free.  I don’t have to have days of worrying and fretting over every little bite.  The more I give into that behavior, the more I put myself in the position of not walking in freedom because the more negative thinking I put into this, the less free I am, and I intend to walk in the highest level of freedom that God will allow me.   Daily, I intend to walk in this freedom!

Am I boring you yet?   There’s more…

I had three little boys over at my house Saturday night.   Around 9, they decided to be really hungry, and as I hadn’t planned to have them, I hadn't stocked up on groceries.   Some time shortly after 9 p.m., I went to McDonalds to get them burgers and fries, and chicken McNuggets.   I wasn’t even tempted to get me anything.   I never gave eating…eating anything…a second thought, even when the food was in my car, two orders of fries, and no one but me…I never even thought of sneaking a fry.   Former behavior would have had me order a few things and eating them on the way home, unbeknownst to anyone.   A true closet eater, I was.

Who the Son has made free is free indeed.

Oh, yeah.  Sunday morning when I weighed, I had gained a pound.  This morning, I still had a few ounces hanging on.   My total weight loss since August 13 is 46.4 pounds.

I am grateful.